Confidence is key...

As well as being tall, I am pretty loud. I have the ability to talk the hind leg off a donkey or so they say, whoever 'they' is.

I am friendly, chatty, want to know who people are and what they are doing, can I help you, can I be involved, oh, and I love organising get togethers, parties and other such things.

Queen of confidence!

WRONG!

(With thanks to a 20year old me for this sassy picture)

Ok, I have to point out that yes, I have an element of confidence but it is limited and managed by me... 'who do I want to be' or how I come across. I hate admitting I cant do things and want to always be a capable human being. But like all human beings, I have a limit.

This mornings breakdown was over singing...

I had my first ever singing lesson last week, I was going to be the next (younger, slimmer and slightly more attractive Susan Boyle), I would learn to sing and take centre stage at first opportunity to show the world my voice.

My husband was a bit traumatised by the idea of me learning to sing classical and opera, I think he was worried about our children's hearing, it's already seemingly on the low ability side, surely my singing would eliminate any sense of hearing they have left.

I ignored him, what a fool... of course I can do it!

Luckily my singing teacher was lovely and said I had fabulous range, a good tone and had some technique already so was really chuffed to be working with me. I, of course, was my usual chatty self. We spoke in German, and over half the time I have no idea what she said but I smiled, tried to crack jokes and come across as a confident young lady who had just missed their calling earlier in life and had decided this was my year to shine.

Anyways, this morning I pulled out my singing books and took a look at my homework... shouldn't be too hard, two songs, both I have to listen to on youtube to get the rhythm (I dont read music) and off I go... so you would think!

Panic mode set in....

I can't read this, it is in German, and this one is in Italian, what was she thinking, what am I thinking... how stupid, how silly, I cant do it, I just can't....

It took all my effort not to cry or tear up the sheet music in frustration, I'm sure the songs are not particulary challenging, the problem is my confidence.

The other problem is the fact I have wanted to sing for so long, that 80% of me wanting to sing is for enjoyment, not to warble on to songs I dont understand or have to worry about pronunciation. For me that should come after I have learnt a little more technique, I need to love what I am doing to feel inspired to keep going, not immediately be faced with my inner deamons screaming at me to give up all hope.

I did finally (with the help of trusty google translate) sent my teacher an apologetic message to say that I was struggling and that I needed a little more time and 'I can do this' attitude.

Oh the panic and dread.... does it sound like i'm whinging, will she think I'm a waste of space, will she be interested in working with someone who gives up on the first hurdle, panic panic panic.... oh and what if google translate has actually sent her something I didnt want to say like....this Italian song is so challenging please give me more...

I literally sat for 10 mins staring at my phone like some mad woman, trying to send some some of weird telepathic mesage to the teacher that I meant well and please dont judge me...

Of course, this woman is a professional, she probably takes it all in her stride and was infact very lovely and apologetic... which internally makes me cringe as I probably now need to buy her some flowers or bow down at her feet to apologise for making her feel she has to apologise to me...

Anyways, confidence is key... I think I need to start looking for ways to let mine grow a little...

I'm sure I'll share with you another time my other weird insecurities but for now, I'm signing off!

Sending you lots of positive and happy vibes...

As Dinsey says, all we need is faith and trust!